The Real World: The Weight Episode

Dear Diary,

It's me, Callie. Remember me? I'm the blonde girl. I write in you all the time. Anyway, I had an awful week. It seemed like everyone was focused on weight issues all week, and as you know diary, I hate weight issues, because I have them! It felt like everyone was talking about each other's bodies behind our backs and sneaking peeks at each other in the shower. I wonder if that glass is as clouded as I think it is. The cameramen wouldn't be in the bathroom with me otherwise, would they?

I just thought everyone knew how sensitive I am about weight and fitness, given how many interesting and varied ways we like to work out, and how often we like to do it. I mean, this week alone we went to the gym, did a kickboxing class (I think Emily and Ty liked that one a lot), and some sort of variation on Flirty Girl Fitness where we danced and laughed and shook our booties to lose our love handles. It's almost as if no one realized how often we were working out, because it seemed like every other second, there we were, back in the gym!

But then it happened Diary. Ty (the black guy, who is a lot meaner than the ones on TV. I'm from a small town!) said I couldn't be in Playboy. He totally crushed my dreams of ever being naked in a magazine! But I bet now that it's been on TV and us girls had our Really Important Talk about girls and eating disorders and things like that I'm totally gonna get a call from Hef tomorrow! I don't think Ty realizes how much of jerk he is sometimes. He says he's "never had roommates" before, but come on, I'm from a small town and even I have common social etiquette! In fact, if I had put money on it, I would have guessed Andrew would have been the one to say something totally rude and offensive, because he says rude, offensive things all the time! I wonder if he's still in love with me, because I'm just feeling so vulnerable right now Diary. These people are mostly awful, and Ty is just... I don't know, he's just an Instigator, you know? What an ass. Anyway, Ty apologized (but I didn't really understand what he meant about trying to "check" me? I guess I was getting too many compliments and he wanted to make sure I wasn't getting too cocky.) and things are okay for now. Talk to you again soon Diary!

xoxo, Callie (the blonde one, remember? The one from a small town?)

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I found that under a pile of True Life reruns and old, musty music videos the other day. Sounds like a rough week for the housemates! And yes, you read that right, Inspector Instigator defended himself like a true sleazebag by first saying, "Hey, it's true, you can't be in Playboy, and I'm just telling the truth, so why are you mad?" and then saying Callie was getting a big head and he had to keep her in check, which is the wildest, pulled-out-of-the-deepest-recesses-of-the-ass excuse I have ever heard ever. The Virgin might be The Boy Who Lies, but The Black Guy is The Boy Who Lies To Himself. He actually tried to justify hitting a girl this week. Inspector Instigator is now officially The Villain (Boo! Hiss!).

I once again prove myself eerily prescient in my initial response to Ty as Inspector Instigator, because after setting off the Great God Debate¹, I-Squared sparks off the second Big Issue Episode by making a comment about somebody's weight. So naturally, even before the fat-bomb was dropped, everyone conveniently brings up the topic of body image, independently of each other mostly. First Lenny Kravitz and The Virgin talk about who has the "best body" in the house (which, you know, is a totally non-shallow question), then Bisexual Girl and Pisco talk about how they could stand to lose a few pounds in front of Blondie, who takes issue because she is obviously the overweight one (but telegenically overweight) and hence the seed is planted. And of course it's Ty (though much like Callie in her diary, I was banking on it being Andrew, because he just doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut most of the time) who brings Callie's whole carefully crafted self-image crashing down like a fat guy falling down the steps.

And that's not all he's up to this week. The Black Guy and Bisexual Girl's relationship continued to teeter on the brink of abject destruction until Mr. Villain (Boo! Hiss!) completely loses his mind, and any semblance of what used to be just a bad relationship was replaced with a strange mother-son/therapist-patient/serial killer-victim association.² The two eventually end up just screaming at each other in front of the rest of the housemates (who watch happily, like Romans in the Coliseum taking bets), and all those kickboxing classes come in handy when somehow they challenge each other to feats of strength, begin to wrestle, and finally stop only when Bisexual Girl spits in Ty's face. These people are delightful together, and should probably be married.³

So yes, once again the conflicts this week were mostly instigated by that Master of Inflammation, that Inspector of Instigation, our illustrious Villain (Boo! Hiss!), The Black Guy. At least until next week, when the Villain-in-Waiting, The Episcopalian (doesn't that sound like an awesome villain name?) makes the mistake of judging the Bisexual Boy by his cover. Stop being so self-aware guys, it's getting you in trouble!⁴

Addenda

1. In another meta-tastic moment, someone even mentions the Jesus teams and how the house is already divided on the issue. Everyone is so postmodern this season!↑


2. I feel the need to take the time here and address what appears to be some deep-seated insecurities in our Villain (Boo! Hiss!). It is apparent that Ty is hyper-dependent on other people to validate himself, and when they don't accommodate him, he flips faster than one of those little toy wind-up dogs. An actual exchange between Ty and BSG:
   Ty: "Be honest with me!"
   BSG: "I am being hon--"
   Ty: "Shut up!"
   
   He's also the biggest coward in the world, as evidenced by him meekly backing away as BSG screams at him to stop being a huge pussy and just leave her alone about whatever it is he thought she did to him. She literally chased him all the way across the room, and he didn't say a word.↑


3. I should also take the time to point out BSG's own insecurities, which have been obvious since the first episode. After being raised in a cult, she escaped and became a bisexual and got some piercings.^a Problem with authority much? And Ty being about the most pathetically/passively authoritative (which boggles the mind in its paradoxical complexity) person on the planet, you can see why this is a match made in hell. But what is normal reality's "hell" is reality television's heaven.↑


4. Three weeks in a row now that The Girl Who Sings is an Oh Yeah, I Forgot About Her, but hey, next time don't go to bed before the spit-fight starts! Also, Lenny Kravitz, you're supposed to be the cool guy, stop making me forget about you.↑

Additional Addenda

1. (Side note: she still doesn't seem all that bisexual to me, and this quote doesn't help: "He [Ty]'s going to flirt with other girls, and I'm going to flirt with other guys." Emphasis mine, and maybe a little ostensible, but the whole thing reeks of rebellious desperation to me)↑