The Real World: DC (The DC stands for Defiant Christians)

I hope not to set anyone off with my post title. But if you watched the first episode of The Real World 23 (23!) you know just how incendiary a topic the "God Debate" is. And yes, the new housemates have already been there, on the first night no less! The new cast covered a lot of important ground right away, which makes me wonder what they could possibly argue about for the rest of the season. In fact, every circumstance combined in such a quintessential drama maelstrom, I couldn't help but wonder the one thing that always lurks behind every reality show, especially one on Reality Network 1 or 2 (MTV or VH1, natch): They have to script some of this.

But like I said, 23! 23 times they've done this set-up. This isn't just a "reality show," this is The Reality Show. This is The fucking REAL WORLD. They have to know how to pick the right seeds and put them in the right soil to grow up some nice juicy Discord by now. They've been doing this so long, even the cast members know they're there to fill a role. The next mile of the Road to Conflict dealt with exactly that, actually. As the roomies showed up in pairs, they started calling out Roles almost as quickly as they called out which room was theirs. So in honor of the maiden voyage of The Real World: DC, I introduce to you the cast as I categorized them, in order of memorability:

Lenny Kravitz (aka The Rocker Boy aka Josh)
A hard-rock-lookin' South Philly guy, Lenny Kravitz'z first confessional was given with a bottle of J.D. in hand. He's not exactly memorable other than how much the dude looks like Lenny Kravitz. I am using Lenny Kravitz as a test to see if all people from Philly are really just all about Philly and how great Philly is. Estimated episode that Lenny Kravitz complains about D.C.: Episode 2.

The Virgin (aka The Boy Who Lies aka Andrew)
A seriously weird dude, The Virgin is also The Liar. When asked any detail of his life, this self-described "bullshitter" gives a line like "I'm a professional cage fighter" or "I used to be a skydive instructor," (which no one with an ounce of real life experience would believe from a guy that looks like Andrew [see The Bisexual Girl]) at least until confronted about his number of sexual partners--the mention of which is The Virgin's kryptonite, the one thing he truly cares about about himself, the one thing he would die to change if he could-- when he is unable to lie and can only stammer like an autistic singer of an Australian garage rock band (okay, he just looks like the guy from The Vines, I don't know why I seem to associate people with relatively unremarkable rock front men, but that's just how my mind is working I guess). He is going to piss a lot of people off and not understand why they just don't "get" him and his wacky pathological lies.

The Bisexual Girl (aka Cult Girl aka Gullibles aka Which One Is She? aka Emily)
Gullibles believed The Boy Who Lies. Can you see how good MTV is at this? They know their shit. But yes, the Bisexual Girl is bisexual (and has her nose pierced, and has a tattoo) because she was raised in a fundamentalist Christian cult and has never been east of Illinois, so now in the peak of her youth she has chosen to be as non-fundamentally-Christian as she thinks she can. Her counterpart is--

The Bisexual Boy (aka Mike) [Jesus Is My Homeboy]*
As the housemates broke each other down into "the black guy" or lamented the absence of "a gay one," The Bisexual Boy stayed quiet, because he didn't want to be known as "the bisexual boy." But his fate is unavoidable. Need I say again? This is The fucking Real World. Everyone must fill a role. And so, he is The Bisexual Boy, or maybe just Mike because I feel bad for him. He doesn't like his role, and he also doesn't like being told that God doesn't exist (see The Black Guy), which makes Mike The Bisexual Boy (yeah! a combo will do just fine!) our first JIMH. And every JIMH needs a JIJAWM like--

The Black Guy (aka Inspector Instigator aka Ty) [Jesus Is Just Alright With Me]
The JIJAWM acronym is a little misleading, suggesting that maybe The Black Guy doesn't really care either way, but I just wanted funny team names. The Black Guy says he is "bitter" about some religious issues, bitter enough to start the one fight no one wins at the inaugural House Dinner Outing (I love the vocabularic theme that DC gives me. I can't wait to get to use political metaphors!), so right off the bat, everybody is mad at each other. Nice move, Inspector Instigator. Even at the mandatory Serious-Making-Up/Apologizing-Discussion (the one that always comes after the Mean-Fight-In-Public, which is another big chunk of the Highway to Strife they managed to knock out in the first freaking episode), he wouldn't entirely back down, and he finds a certain someone still on the outs with him...

The Episcopalian (aka Which One Is She? aka Ashley) [Jesus Is My Homeboy]
They're getting less memorable so I have less to say about them. She's a JIMH, and she didn't like the JIJAWM talking shit. She looks like The Bisexual Girl a little**. She does get the only direct quote of the night though, said to Inspector Instigator and her future relationship with him after The Crusades: DC -- "It's not worth it. There are seven other people here."

The Girl Who Sings (aka The Rocker Girl aka Oh Yeah, I Forgot About Her aka Erika)
The Girl Who Sings sang, and it was off-key.***

The Blonde One (aka Oh Yeah, I Forgot About Her aka Callie) {Republican}****
She doesn't get a gender-specific name because I had to think of how many boys I could remember and how many girls I could remember to see who I was forgetting. It was The Blonde One.

The White House (aka The House aka DC aka Washington, D.C.)
The hidden 9th character that can be unlocked by pressing Up Up Down Down Left Right 3 on your remote, The White House is the residence/setting, which will apparently play a role in exacerbating the situation even more, because MTV put the idea in the housemates heads that since they're in DC, they better talk abut their politics. (Religion and politics. The two things no one can agree on. It might be a looong season.) And the sneaky way they managed to slip that idea in there like a secret rapist? All the rooms have pictures or paintings or screen-prints of presidents' heads on the walls, so you've got all the great Heads of State like Washington, Lincoln, Kennedy, and, you know, Reagan (the actor?!). "Who will you choose?" The House asks. "Everyone must choose."


So the house is full, the tempers are nice and hot, and there are mostly co-ed bedrooms (they were all co-ed until The Girl Who Sings and The Blonde One decided to room together instead of Lenny Kravitz and The Black Guy, respectively [which might not help either of their chances of not repeating as Oh Yeah, I Forgot About Hers]). And next week? Topless Ladies! Bottomless Lads! Obama! And more!
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*Brackets denote standing in the Great God Debate; Jesus Is My Homeboy (JIMHs [pronounced like gyms]) indicating a pro-JC status, Jesus Is Just Alright With Me (JIJAWMs [pronounced gee-jawms]) indicating a no-JC status, for future reference. Those without brackets will most likely get drawn in eventually and pick a side. Everyone must pick a side.

**Hence the Which One Is She? role, which there's always two people that you can't tell apart at first, but the role has usually served its purpose (i.e. forcing us to watch a little closer when either part of the pair is on screen, and renders us inable to use simple physical characteristics to identify who's talking when we're too lazy or drunk to really pay attention to what these people are fighting about this time.) The Which One Is She? is closely related to the Oh Yeah, I Forgot About Her/Him/Them.

***She didn't do much in this episode, other than that one thing, which is okay, because some people just get pushed to the side in a given episode, especially the pilot. It happens on every reality show, and The fucking Real World is no exception. Thus the nature of the Oh Yeah, I Forgot About (Them) role can change week to week. But even though it changes, it still doesn't feel good to be there. Sorry Girl Who Sings and The Blonde One. Be more interesting next time.

****She picked the Reagan Room, and Which One Is She? rolled her eyes at her.