The Real World Las Vegas: Life Ain't A Game, Son

But in fact, the game is inescapable, the pieces are in place, and the board is set. Let's review our game pieces:

Dustin as The White Queen and Heather as The Black Queen--These two game pieces are destined to circle each other as rams in the wild, vying for the high ground until the opportune moment to collide. Their tête à-tête is not quite adversarial, but rather one of mutual admiration--a game in the truest sense of the word. The Queens feel each other out, observe patterns of behavior, and use their unmatched mobility to test all avenues of approach as well as avoid a premature engagement. As The Black Queen said: "Dustin's got swagger for a white boy." These two will sweep across the board, ignoring all other pieces (that is, unless one stands in the way of their final showdown; see Mike Mike the Knight Knight) in a graceful dance of deception and intrigue, until finally they will ram their parts against each other, sexually.

Nany as The Black Bishop--Her zig-zagging motion between relationship and singlehood is both limiting and liberating as the indecision she's caught in enables her to blindside those around her. Sadly though, her shifting course makes her an easy target for the more transitive pieces, namely...

Adam as The Faux Pawn--Adam is the all-seeing Player posing as pawn. His game might seem obvious, but there are larger machinations at work in his scheme. In a brilliant defensive move, he yet again deceives his fellow (but really, inferior) gamepieces by stripping himself of mystique and revealing a supposed vulnerability. His prey falls for the feint of the sad story of loserdom and his cover is yet again saved. He even convinces the gameboard itself (in the form of the security officer of the Hard Rock Casino) that his actions are innocent, his playing style on the up and up, when in fact he's cheating them all. He is controlling both sides of the board, playing against himself.

Leroy and Naomi as The Rooks--Their paths, as of now, are straight lines, bouncing blindly off of borders unseen to them, as they are as yet unaware that they are playing the game. Enlightenment may eventually broaden the scope of their movement, but for now they are simply lateral. Yes, toe-sucking in a game of truth or dare is considered "lateral movement," that's just how messed up this game is.

Which brings us to Mike Mike the Knight Knight. He's physically incapable of making a straightforward move on this board. For every line he tries to make, something blocks his path and forces a jarring "L." Case in point, the game within the game, wherein the pieces gather on the battleground of Rows 3 through 6 to commence a game of chance and will, that ever-fearsome equalizer, Truth or Dare. And here is where our valiant knight makes a crucial misstep. Like stepping between a mother bear and her cub, MM the KK inadvertently puts The Black Queen into a threatened position (with his lips). The Black Queen could squash this lowly knight, easily, and both pieces know it, but The White Queen (still resting peacefully at D1, also known as the couch next to the phone) learns of the aggressive check from a passing rook (Leroy and his big mouth). The possibility of another capturing his counterpart sends him into an 8-directional rage, zagging, zigging, streaking across the board, puffing out his chest and generally acting like a silverback gorilla being challenged for the rights of the troop. Yet his perception of "disrespect" entirely negates the purpose of the game. In his own obsession The Black Queen's words, "It's a game, we're all playing, and we're all playing a little dirty." The game is meant to be played, and this perceived threat to his dominance of the board (and supposed right to the capturing of the opposing Queen) is nonexistent at best. The Black Queen takes the advantage, and moves into attack position, no longer toying around, but ready to kill (emotionally) her adversary. It'll take a lot of retracing of the game log for The White Queen Dustin to regain even footing. At this moment, he faces certain doom and potential removal from the gameboard entirely, through sheer ego-destruction.

But all pales in comparison to the string-pulling of the Player-Pawn Adam. His innocuous position as a pawn is betrayed to us, the observers, but the pieces themselves remain oblivious. Their eyes firmly affixed on the gameboard, they cannot raise their gaze to see the big round head of Adam grinning stupidly down at them, manipulating their every move. Nany may be Bishop in theory, but she is The White King in practice, since it is very obviously her fate that will decide the outcome of the game known as The motherfucking Real World. Adam may be playing both sides of the board, but his allegiance lies firmly in the blackness of his soul. His lies and misdirections may be directed at only one piece, but all on the board are affected by them. There are only so many spaces to occupy, after all.